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Hidden away on Sunday afternoon when nothing really happens, The Steve Show was a fearless crusader in taking a sideways look at the big news stories that had already been done to death elsewhere, and that everyone, us included, was already bored with.

In that spirit of hard-hitting, zeitgeist-straddling, opinio-tainment, let’s have a look at the big ruckus over the UK Christmas No1… should you be happy that Rage Against The Machine’s Killing In The Name beat Joe from the X Factor in the race to No.1 in the hit parade?  What does this mean for the future of the country? Will we all die horribly before our time, or can we now look forward to everlasting life and free sweets? 

This handy cut out and keep guide will allow you to hold a forthright view in any discussion on the matter over the festive period. 

Argument 1 – It’s A Good Thing

Of course it’s great that Rage won the battle.  Simon Cowell does not understand or even like music.  His shows plough a dreary furrow to the lowest common denominator, proving that you can sell any old crap if you attach a dubious backstory to it – a dead parent, an unfortunate stammer, a birthmark shaped like a massive cock and balls on your forehead – and flog it to death on 18 consecutive Saturday nights.

But it’s not just that, it’s the manner in which he was defeated… take a look at the magical machine you’re reading this on – it has the power to bring hundreds of thousands of people together for an authority-bashing campaign. 

It’s a common complaint from ex-kids that the kids of today are too apathetic, that they’re too sodding lazy to care about anything, let alone do anything about it.  That theory has been smashed by the youth uniting with their right hands, not for an enormous attempt at the biscuit game, but to download the sound of disobedience and to thumb their noses at authority.

On top of all this, it’s raised stacks of money for Shelter and brought a classic track to the attention of a new generation of rock enthusiasts.

I remember seeing Rage at Reading in 1993, it changed my life forever, and they’re still as important and relevant today.

Argument 2 – It’s A Bad Thing

Of course it’s terrible that Joe lost the battle.  The X Factor is the Christmas story updated for the modern age - Joe is the infant child in a manger; Cowell, Cole and Minogue are the three wise men; Louis is Mary, it all stacks up.  In celebrating the birth of Joe by giving him the Xmas No.1, we are painfully aware that we will be mourning his passing by Easter as his second single (an unwise cover of Richard Blackwood’s Mama Who Da Man) bombs and he’s reduced to opening new branches of Millets for £50 a pop.  Denying us this timeless narrative is an affront to the magic of the season.

And what’s even worse is the manner in which he was defeated… hundreds of thousands of sniggering ninnies, hidden behind their keyboards thinking they’re so bloody clever and ironic, uniting for an aim with no tangible purpose. 

It’s typical of the youth of today, getting excited about something so utterly pointless while ignoring the big issues of the day.  And you know it will lead to even more of those ludicrous Facebook campaigns - Get 1,000,000 People To Make Brown Shoes Illegal; 800,000 People Say ‘I Like Crisps’; 375,000 People Support Exhuming The Corpse Of Jade Goody And Giving Her A Traditional Viking Funeral On The Thames.  

On top of all this, it’s raised stacks of money for Sony and brought a ludicrous, whiny track to the attention of a new generation of hairy outcasts, all of whom express their individuality by looking gloomy, having dubious personal hygiene and wearing the same Nirvana ‘smiley’ tshirt.     

I remember seeing Rage at Reading in 1993 – I got bored after 20 minutes and went to watch Chumbawamba in the NME tent.   I wonder what they’re up to now?

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The world of bloody awful Saturday night dross was shocked to it’s soulless core tonight as Simon Cowell unleashed his latest weapon in the reality TV ratings war – a dead ex-Eastender coupled with a pop legend.

X Factor became more like Ex Actor as deceased Mike Reid, of no living age, appeared alongside Whitney Houston in one of the most astonishing comebacks in TV history.  Having played the nation’s favourite dodgy car dealer Frank Butcher in Eastenders, Reid was ideally placed to rise from his grave and assess the singing talents of the bright young popstrels, all hoping to be the next big thing.

If the nation accepts this unprecedented return to life from an ex-soap star, Cowell has secretly lined up a number of similar voice-coach grave-rob double acts for future editions of this derivative, ball-achingly mindless slop.

Controversially, his next pairing will be the late Wendy Richard (seen here as launderette hag Pauline Fowler) and the nicest man in rock, Dave Grohl, for next week’s rock show.  The Foo Fighter has reportedly told friends ‘The chance to work with the dearly departed Wendy will be a blast – she’s been through so much, what with husband Arthur’s death, her son Mark contracting HIV, and then her death in real life, that she will have some awesome advice for those kids’.

Louis Walsh has played a key role in finally uniting bubbly pop failures B*Witched with the actor whose name while alive was Bryan Mosley, who of course played Coronation Street’s heavyweight shopkeeper Alf Roberts.  His portrayal of Alf’s unrequited love for Rita Fairclough is something Mosley, dead since 1999, thinks he can bring to the X Factor table. ‘Every great love song is one of unrequited love – if I can help the performers capture some of the emotion I brought to the role of Alf while alive during the forthcoming ’ballad week’ on X Factor, it will be worth the shock to my family of seeing me on screen again’. 

Finally, in what will be the X Factor Christmas series finale, I can reveal that Cowell has worked miracles to a) reform Destiny’s Child and b) couple them with the late Gretchen Franklin, the delightfully muddled Ethel from Eastenders.

Beyonce was overheard on a recent transatlantic flight commenting that Franklin was ‘the sweetest little deceased English lady’ she’d ever met, and felt that her comically named ex-dog Willie was the one thing that brought Destiny’s Child back together.  ‘We’d never have even been in the same room as one another if it wasn’t for that dead lady’s dead dog’. 

The BBC are expected to fight back by revealing that Strictly Come Dancing host Bruce Forsyth has been brain dead for several years.

Appalled by the desecration of the memory of our most loved soap stars, or delighted to see your favourite characters return for one more outing?  Any dead soap star/living pop star combos you’d like to see?  Comment below…

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