X Factor Dead Eastender Shocker
The world of bloody awful Saturday night dross was shocked to it’s soulless core tonight as Simon Cowell unleashed his latest weapon in the reality TV ratings war – a dead ex-Eastender coupled with a pop legend.
X Factor became more like Ex Actor as deceased Mike Reid, of no living age, appeared alongside Whitney Houston in one of the most astonishing comebacks in TV history. Having played the nation’s favourite dodgy car dealer Frank Butcher in Eastenders, Reid was ideally placed to rise from his grave and assess the singing talents of the bright young popstrels, all hoping to be the next big thing.
If the nation accepts this unprecedented return to life from an ex-soap star, Cowell has secretly lined up a number of similar voice-coach grave-rob double acts for future editions of this derivative, ball-achingly mindless slop.
Controversially, his next pairing will be the late Wendy Richard (seen here as launderette hag Pauline Fowler) and the nicest man in rock, Dave Grohl, for next week’s rock show. The Foo Fighter has reportedly told friends ‘The chance to work with the dearly departed Wendy will be a blast – she’s been through so much, what with husband Arthur’s death, her son Mark contracting HIV, and then her death in real life, that she will have some awesome advice for those kids’.
Louis Walsh has played a key role in finally uniting bubbly pop failures B*Witched with the actor whose name while alive was Bryan Mosley, who of course played Coronation Street’s heavyweight shopkeeper Alf Roberts. His portrayal of Alf’s unrequited love for Rita Fairclough is something Mosley, dead since 1999, thinks he can bring to the X Factor table. ‘Every great love song is one of unrequited love – if I can help the performers capture some of the emotion I brought to the role of Alf while alive during the forthcoming ’ballad week’ on X Factor, it will be worth the shock to my family of seeing me on screen again’.
Finally, in what will be the X Factor Christmas series finale, I can reveal that Cowell has worked miracles to a) reform Destiny’s Child and b) couple them with the late Gretchen Franklin, the delightfully muddled Ethel from Eastenders.
Beyonce was overheard on a recent transatlantic flight commenting that Franklin was ‘the sweetest little deceased English lady’ she’d ever met, and felt that her comically named ex-dog Willie was the one thing that brought Destiny’s Child back together. ‘We’d never have even been in the same room as one another if it wasn’t for that dead lady’s dead dog’.
The BBC are expected to fight back by revealing that Strictly Come Dancing host Bruce Forsyth has been brain dead for several years.
Appalled by the desecration of the memory of our most loved soap stars, or delighted to see your favourite characters return for one more outing? Any dead soap star/living pop star combos you’d like to see? Comment below…
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If this was radio it’d be Sachsgate all over again…